Sunrise and Sunset: Part 1

In a sea of vulnerability, I had been left. One year had passed since the break up, and one year later, the complete undoing I invited to stay, was unpacked, and living with me. I assumed by month 3 it would find a new home, and I wouldn’t lose consciousness every time I heard his name, but I did. By month 5, I knew it was over, and a few trips to the gym would soon leave me utterly independent, but they did not. Month 9 came around, and I was sure that my undoing was getting tired of there not being any food in the fridge, or clean sheets on the bed, but it was not. Month 13, and I become friends with it, what choice did I have? A part of me knew that I needed it to leave. My heart had been so numb, tossed on the ground, rubbed in soil, and buried 13 feet underground. Sometimes, my undoing would forget to follow me home, and I had a few hours where I awaited fresh water, and sunlight, hoping it would grow. But it always came home. I searched day, but mostly night for a something I could touch. Every Saturday night began with false eyelashes and hope, but ended with cold bathroom floors, and empty bottles. My eyes could always detect good vs evil, but my soul chose to look the other way. Though, one night, I opened both, when sunshine had approached, and asked me to dance. Of course I said no, everything that I am was owned by the one who left. I had forgotten what light looked like, so I turned it down at the welcome mat. But he persisted, and I was too broken to stand up by myself. So he let me rest my heart on his for a while. I became fond of this new pitstop. I didn’t feel cold when I left, and it soon felt familiar. Sunshine burned in my loins and left me warmer, and comfortable. A few months had passed and I couldn’t help but smile when I thought of him. My bones were stronger, and with the help of his touch, I could stand again. Each breath I took was easier, my lungs thanked me for this. Each food I ate tasted better, my appetite thanked me for this. But each nerve that was kissed, was not pain, so my heart began to apologize. I was not numb, I was alive. I latched myself to this feeling, with the strongest grip I could muster. My knuckles were red and the look of despair in my eyes let him know my secrets, without saying a word. He’s a smart man, and he understood, so he held me tighter. He even said that he loved me, and he wasn’t going anywhere. The sun rises everyday, and it was so beautiful, so how was I supposed to remember that it sets?

It was Christmas time, and I sat in the airport by myself. Saying my goodbyes over the phone as if I were never to see him again, although it would only be two weeks, and I was going to be okay.

“I love you, but I have to go now, my section is boarding, I’ll talk to you when I land tomorrow”, I said.

“Theres something I need to tell you before you go”, he pleaded, persistent as ever.

“Can it wait, I really have to go?”

“Not really.”

Hesitant, I accepted and told him to make it quick.

“I’ve signed up for the Marines, and I am going to have to go away for a while, in the new year. We can talk about it tomorrow, but I needed to tell you. Goodbye, have a safe flight.”

And although I was aware of what he had just said, suddenly, nothing was clear anymore. The people who stood around me in line became one large void. My ears blocked out the noises that they once heard. My palms were sweaty, and my forehead felt cold. My aching heart tingled, and I was no longer there. I was back, where I used to be, the world was dark once again, and it had never felt so familiar.

xx Mai

Ghosts

Why is it that when we are working our hardest to forget something, or someone, they seem to pop up in every situation life presents us with? Is it irony? Is it a greater power playing tricks on us? Or does it mean nothing? In high school, my English teacher told me about my “Reticular Activation System”. This basically meant that once our brains have been introduced to something, you start to see it everywhere you go. Do you believe that this is the case when it comes to forgetting a lost relationship? Whether that may be a friendship, or a romantic relationship. It’s driving me crazy. Someone from my past, whom I have fought hard to forget, keeps showing up in everything I do. Their name appears on Instagram accounts that we have both recently followed, their watch shows up in my mothers car, their name even goes as far as showing up in the search bar for an online shopping website I am on! It’s been over a year since I have had an interaction with this person, so why are they showing up again…now? Is it a sign? Or simply a coincidence? My mother says not to worry, and that I will find closure when I am meant to find it, not to force it. I can’t help but overthink (thanks anxiety) this entire occurrence. This individual in particular has broken me down to the most raw form of myself, and since then, I have built myself back up to the new and improved “me”, the best that I can be. It’s been enough time where I don’t wake up and think about them. They aren’t the leading role in my dreams anymore. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I can’t ignore the fact that I have found a new happiness now, but its making me think that perhaps I haven’t.

xx Mai

Opening Act

You know that feeling, when you’re so tired, that you could just laugh, or cry? That’s almost a summary of what I feel like at the end of each day. The things that happen everyday are so particular, it’s as if they have been perfectly choreographed, and rehearsed. How many times do you find yourself saying “this is like a movie scene”? It’s been an impossible year, and yet here we are. Rehearsing, growing, and confessing to strangers to cope. I named this blog “Bring Mai Flowers”, because I think of the phrase “April showers bring May flowers”. I imagine that April is a metaphor for the events that have happened before now, and I’m embracing the flowers that should be presenting themselves…anytime now. My middle name is Mai, so that’s a simple play on words. I hope you come to enjoy this blog, as you’ll be learning the intricate details of my theatrical life. You’ll find yourself laughing out loud, and if you’re anything like me, tearing up at every inconvenience. I blame it on hormones. Brew a pot of tea, and treat yourself to a fluffy, gooey, extra melt-in-your-mouth slice of cake, and enjoy. Indulge, Relax. It’s just me and you, no filter this time. 

xx Mai