“To Conform Correctly To The Shape Or Size Of”

I remember the day so well. I guess you could say I was window shopping, and although intention was clear I would probably buy something, I knew deep down I really didn’t have the money to do so. But just as I was about to leave the store, I saw it. The perfect dress. Exactly what I was looking for. In fact, this dress fit my standards so well, so fast, it was hard to remember a time when I didn’t have it. I wore it everyday. It fit my body with every curve, every dimple, every muscle. I felt empowered. This dress was becoming a part of my identity. It slowly defined who I was. Now of course, there were times I had to hang it up, (I’m thinking of one day in particular). I slipped the dress off of my body and put it back in my closet, only for a moment, a brief second I hadn’t spent with it’s fabric wrapped around my waist. I soon returned to the closet to retrieve this part of me, and in my despair, it was gone. My dress was not in my closet. My dress was not on my floor, and my dress was not in my bathroom.

I’m nothing without this dress, I thought.

I’m no one, when I’m not wearing this dress.

Who am I anymore?

I spent the next few weeks searching for it. Knowing it couldn’t be far, and I would find it again soon, I had hope, I did.

I promise I did.

I wasn’t going to give up on it. But life throws things at you everyday. Shoes, bags, jewelry. I had no control over anything. And every day it got easier to be apart from the outfit. My routine changed and I was wearing new things. They weren’t the same as my dress had been, but I was soon forgetting the feeling it gave me. Let me cut to the point. I was sorting out my bedroom on an average day. Shuffling through average garments, and average old things. Suddenly, I notice something that catches my eye. Can you guess what it was? Yeah, it was my dress. I grabbed it and stared at it in disbelief. I couldn’t believe it was in front of me again. It was the strangest feeling. But it wasn’t happiness. I didn’t feel the relief I imagined I was going to. My god, I was disappointed. I had waited and waited to wear this dress again, and when presented with it, I didn’t even want to. I held the dress in all its glory up next to me. It looked a bit small. I slipped it over my head and it was stuck on my shoulders. I pulled it hard and I could hear it start to rip at the seams.

Why is this dress so small? It’s only been 4 months. I haven’t grown.

And maybe I hadn’t. Maybe the reality is I made myself small to fit in this dress. The dress was never my size. It never fit me, but I always forced it on. Memories come flooding back to me. The crying, the angst, the stress of fitting this dress over my shoulders to fit me the way it always had. The way I thought it did on it’s own.

Or maybe I’ve grown. And to some extent I know I have. So why am I still trying to make this dress fit? I’m squeezing, crying, holding my breath. But it won’t change. This dress will always be this way. But it’s time to fold it up, and put it back in the box it came in.

Maybe one day I’ll come to love you again. Maybe one day you’ll fit. But there’s no use in making myself smaller, today. No use in trying to fit you, when I’ve outgrown every inch of your fabric.

xxMai

Ghosts

Why is it that when we are working our hardest to forget something, or someone, they seem to pop up in every situation life presents us with? Is it irony? Is it a greater power playing tricks on us? Or does it mean nothing? In high school, my English teacher told me about my “Reticular Activation System”. This basically meant that once our brains have been introduced to something, you start to see it everywhere you go. Do you believe that this is the case when it comes to forgetting a lost relationship? Whether that may be a friendship, or a romantic relationship. It’s driving me crazy. Someone from my past, whom I have fought hard to forget, keeps showing up in everything I do. Their name appears on Instagram accounts that we have both recently followed, their watch shows up in my mothers car, their name even goes as far as showing up in the search bar for an online shopping website I am on! It’s been over a year since I have had an interaction with this person, so why are they showing up again…now? Is it a sign? Or simply a coincidence? My mother says not to worry, and that I will find closure when I am meant to find it, not to force it. I can’t help but overthink (thanks anxiety) this entire occurrence. This individual in particular has broken me down to the most raw form of myself, and since then, I have built myself back up to the new and improved “me”, the best that I can be. It’s been enough time where I don’t wake up and think about them. They aren’t the leading role in my dreams anymore. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I can’t ignore the fact that I have found a new happiness now, but its making me think that perhaps I haven’t.

xx Mai